With Zane peacefully sleeping against my chest yesterday afternoon, I realized that that is something I could do all day, sit there with him snuggled up against me, and everything would be alright. I would even be considered a good mother, but only for a little while I guess. Looking at him is enthralling in so many ways and on so many levels. The thoughts that run through my mind can't even be explained. They are so fleeting, but they are a series of complete moments and feelings.
And then life hits. I think the hardest thing for me right now is the oxygen thing. It is so hard to go anywhere. Not only because it is inconvenient to lug around the tank but because I worry about him catching anything that could be in any public place we go to. And with that thought, I wonder if once he is off oxygen, if I will be able to act normal at that point or if I am just always going to be worried about what he could "catch." I never thought that I would be an overprotective mother. But then I had a baby that I couldn't even touch without scrubbing down for the first week of his life. That set the stage I guess. I am doomed to become a worrier, and the mother who tries to protect her child from everything, even though I know that can't be done.
And then there are the feelings of utter and complete inadequacy. Does every mother feel that? Or do I have an extra measure of it because my first child happens to be perfect? But I mean really perfect. I think about all of the things that I am going to try to teach Zane, knowing that really there is so much more he could teach me, not only here on this earth as he is, but in the eternities. Rob and I and our other children will probably sit at his feet at times and learn from him. I hope he will teach us then as I hope to teach him now, filled with love and gratitude unspeakable. I hope I can merit that from him. But I am so far from being capable of being a perfect mother to him. And I am so sorry for that. I want to do my best, but don't know if I always will.
I could never even hope to come close to being a great mother if I didn't have Rob. He is my rock and he does so much for me. He is so caring and wants to do everything to help me. He loves Zane so much and it is so fun to see how much Zane totally loves his dad. To be a good mother a woman needs a good father by her side. And I am blessed with that fourfold. Rob, I love you. I don't deserve you and could never thank you enough for who you are.
Life is never the same, in so many ways, just as people tell you all the time when you are pregnant. But now I will never know if all that I am experiencing is the normal thing or how much of it is different because Zane has Downs. The tiredness thing (which comes with any baby, I am sure) is crazy, but I can see now how it kind of just becomes a way of life. I told my mom that I was getting about 5 to 6 hours of sleep a night (not consecutive, mind you) and she said, "Yeah, that is probably what I was getting when you guys were teenagers." I thought, "Oh great." But the funny thing I am noticing now is that I feel less tired the busier I am. Hmmm, maybe that is some messed up form of a blessing.... Because motherhood is tiring and motherhood is busy... Or maybe this is just a phase and I will go back to feeling more tired the busier I am.
Seeing how much other people love my baby does something to my heart and soul that I can't comprehend. I love to see and hear that other people love Zane. It brings a comfort and a pride and a healthiness to me that nothing else does. All of his family, his grandparents, his cousins, his aunts and uncles, our dear friends, our ward members... I love it. It brings me joy. And I am sure that will continue throughout his life.
So for now, since I have to go feed the little boy, that is it, Lessons in Motherhood 101: 1) sometimes you just want to sit and stare at your kid, 2) you will be perpetually tired until who knows when, 3) you need the man of your dreams by your side and 4) you will love other people loving your child. Oh and 5) you will never feel up to the job, like you just aren't good enough, but you will keep going, doing your best, and praying for help from our Father everyday.
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Oh, that made me cry Whitney. Because I'm not doing that enough these days (yeah right, ask Kirk about that one). But really, that was beautiful, especially knowing that I will go through so many of the same things in a few months. Though obviously differently and not nearly with as much grace as you do. But thank you! We love little Zane so much and can't wait to meet him.
ReplyDeleteWe can't wait for you to meet him either! You can cuddle him all Thanksgiving week and get ready to do that with your little one. We love you guys and are so excited for you!
ReplyDeleteI have felt inadequate every day for five years now. Once when Claire had thrown a fit in the store I thought "Her mother could have handled that better." And then I realized that I was the mother. And I felt worse!
ReplyDeleteThe tiredness thing is chronic. Just think of the next time you have a baby and they won't nap at the same time and then you'll be so tired and you won't get to nap because you're constantly with one of them. That was a huge wake-up call for me.
What would we do without husbands? Every time I feel bad for myself I look at the single mom across the street and thank God for Taylor.
Whit I love the way you write. You are so honest and eloquent!
ReplyDeleteThe tired thing will get better! I get 8.5 hours of sleep almost every night. Oddly enough I'm still sleepy around 1 pm. hahah. I think kids just wear you out in general.
I can't wait to see that little Bug again. He is SOOOO cute and cuddly.
You really have a way of expressing yourself, Whitney. It's amazing. I could read your writing all day! Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI need to come over soon. I've been away from Bug for too long.