Need

I know. It has been a long time since I have written. A very long time. I am just not the kind of person who can blog anytime about anything. Something has to move me to write.

There has been a lot on my mind, and many things that I have thought to write on here. Like my frustration with trying to figure out a napping routine/schedule for Zane (turns out he just doesn't want to sleep in his crib for naps and does pretty well at falling asleep on his own during the day in his swing or on the couch after eating... I just needed to relax about it... go figure, but he still loves sleeping in our arms and that is okay, can't be mad about that really), or that we, Zane and I, have screaming contests. Fun ones. He will talk/yell in that sort of croaky voice everyone can do and I will do it back. We do it back and forth, progressively getting louder, until I can't stand it and break out laughing. Zane gets a kick out of this. You can see it in his face that he is just waiting for me to laugh. And when I do, he smiles SO big and lets out a little giggle. Also, Zane is a thumb-sucker and it is just about the cutest thing I have ever seen. He actively sucks on his tiny little thumb and it just melts my heart. Zane is a great kisser. Rob and I both routinely shower Zane's neck in kisses and so, in turn, Zane does the same to us. He will grab onto us and give us sweet little nuzzle kisses and slobber all over our necks. We love it! One of Zane's favorite places in the world (if not his favorite) is his dad's chest. He loves to fall asleep there. It will be a sad day when he gets to big to cuddle up there. Zane had his six month appointment the other day and everything is looking great. He weighed 13lbs 6oz. Cute little guy. He is the best. THE BEST. And we are so lucky to have him in our lives.

But all of this about Zane is not what moved me to write tonight. I have finally gotten back to the gym. Rob and I take turns going at night and it is really nice. This week I have taken to going into the room where they do the spinning classes (when there is not a class going on) and hopping on a bike and pushing myself through sprints and hills. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I like to pretend like I am the instructor in a real class - yelling motivation and encouragement to myself in my head. And the music is the leader. I put my IPOD on shuffle and whatever songs come on during the 45 minutes I am there, help me decide how fast to pedal or how steep of a hill I am climbing. Well, tonight as I settled into my final big seated hill, the big push before my cool down, all hot and sweaty and tired but feeling pretty darn cool if I do say so myself, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's rendition of "I Need Thee Every Hour" from their Come, Come, Ye Saints album came on my IPOD. I kind of smiled, thinking it was a funny song to be biking too, but as the introduction built and they began to sing -" I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord. . .", something in me broke and I began to cry. Never has that song, even though I have loved it for years, hit me the way it did tonight. I was washed over with feelings of everything we have gone through the past 6 months. And amazed at what it has taught me and given to my life, because I have tried to turn to the Savior. I felt completely humbled, as I pushed up the imaginary hill I was climbing, that I need my Savior EVERY HOUR and I need to activate that in my life more. I realized tonight that I have lived a life not really knowing what that song meant. I have lived my life with a strong testimony yet being inappropriately independent in some things, thinking that was part of the gospel, but it isn't. I guess I haven't let the Savior into every facet of my life. I am just now realizing that I will not be able to convey this experience or the feelings on this blog correctly, but it is so beautiful to me how true it is that we all need Him. Always, "in joy or pain." Today, Zane's therapist talked to me about strengthening his core so that he can be able to sit independently soon. I felt rededicated to doing the exercises with Zane everyday, to do my best to help him become his best. I once again hoped inwardly that I can be good enough to be his mom, that none of my weaknesses will result in him not achieving something he is meant to achieve. Some of that feeling of inadequacy swept over me as I pedaled and I found myself praying mid-workout. But it was a prayer of gratitude for the realization that I need the Lord and that as I live my life knowing that each day, I will, and Zane will, and everyone will, become who they are supposed to become in this life. But only through our Savior being a part of it, every step of the way. "Come quickly and abide, Or life is vain." All of this realization came not because of any hardship I may have. Rob, Zane and I are ridiculously blessed. And we know it. It is not out of trial that I had this realization. Because that is not the point. We all need Him. At all times, in every situation, in trials and blessings. And we need to realize that. And how magnificent it is.

Now I just feel bad for the poor guy who was across the room on another bike, trying to have a nice workout. As I wiped my eyes, doing the happy cry smile/frown thing, he must have thought I was crazy :)

I need thee every hour, Most gracious Lord.
No tender voice like thine Can peace afford.

I need thee every hour, Stay thou nearby.
Temptations lose their pow'r When thou art nigh.

I need thee every hour, In joy or pain.
Come quickly and abide, Or life is vain.

I need thee every hour, Most holy One.
Oh, make me thine indeed, Thou blessed Son!

I need thee, oh I need thee; Every hour I need thee!
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee!